The Art of Apology
Who ever wants to admit that they were wrong? In a world where the "victim" mentality has taken over and many people feel entitled, it may be difficult to grasp the concept of admitting you were wrong or apologizing. Apologizing as defined by Webster's Dictionary means: to express regret for something that one has done wrong. In any relationship, especially marriage learning and implementing the art of apology will help you have a healthy, successful marriage.
Are there other tools that help with your marriage being successful? Absolutely, but the focus for this post is on the significance of apologizing. Believe me it's not easy saying you're sorry. It's even harder apologizing in a way that leads to a rooted, lasting reconciliation (even during small conflicts).
Recent studies have found that apologizing to your spouse and asking for forgiveness are crucial ingredients in a successful marriage. Apologizing to your partner when appropriate will validate their feelings, promote forgiveness and allow you both to move on from mistakes. Rather than pointing fingers in an effort to identify who is at fault, humbling oneself and confessing the words or behavior that have caused your partner pain, harm or hurt can go a long way toward strengthening your marriage. It's not about who is right or wrong if it's a matter of being "right" at the expense of causing pain to your spouse.
I'm going to actually share the 5 Languages of Apology given to us by Dr. Gary Chapman (author of The 5 Love Languages) and Jennifer M. Thomas. Just like the love languages we all have a dominate language of apology, but it helps to know all of the languages of apology because what might be your dominate language could possibly be different for you spouse.
Apology Language #1. Expressing Regret "I'm sorry."
For most people, an apology is not really an apology unless they hear the words "I'm sorry." For many of us, in order to truly forgive, we need to see that the person who has injured us regrets what they have done. This is the most essential of the elements of an apology, but some people feel it more keenly than others.
Apology Language #2. Accepting Responsibility "I was wrong."
We can all find good reasons and explanations for why we behave badly. "She was pushing my buttons"; "I was running late"; "She hurt my feelings." Whatever the reason, it doesn't change the fact that what we did was wrong or hurtful to another person. While this element of an apology is similar to expressing regret, many of us also very much need to hear admission of responsibility. Someone could say "I'm sorry I hurt you," but in many cases it's important for us to accept responsibility for having caused the hurt too. "I was wrong to yell at you," or "I'm sorry I spaced out while navigating; that was my fault," sometimes expresses the most sincerity.
Apology Language #3. Making Restitution "What can I do to make it right?"
As Chapman and Thomas explain in their book, sometimes just expressing regret and taking responsibility for our actions is not good enough. Sometimes we need to make restitution to make an apology sincere. A great example is when a child swipes a toy from another child. We don't just encourage the child to apologize; we also encourage the child to return the toy that was stolen.
But when you hurt a family member, a friend, or spouses feelings, restitution isn't about returning something that was stolen, it's about reassuring the other person that they are loved. Chapman and Thomas explain that the damage of an angry word or a betrayal is that we believe that, if that person truly loved us, they would not have done such a hurtful thing. In this case, Chapman and Thomas suggest we rely on the five love languages to make restitution by assuring the injured party of our love for them.
Apology Language #4. Genuinely Repenting "I'll try not to do that again."
Chapman and Thomas remind us that the word repentance means "to turn around" or "to change one's mind." An apology loses its sincerity if you give your loved one no assurance that you will try not to make the same mistake again. For some of us, and perhaps depending on the severity of the offense, a sincere apology requires that the person verbalize their desire to never hurt you in that way again. We all know that bad habits can be hard to break, but Chapman and Thomas suggest that in addition to telling your loved one you want to change, you make a plan to ensure success.
Apology Language #5. Requesting Forgiveness "Will you please forgive me?"
This final element of an apology can be the hardest, but for many people it is also the most important. Requesting that someone free you from the guilt of your offense is a powerful thing and will ultimately set both people free. Chapman and Thomas explain that asking forgiveness is difficult for the person asking because it means relinquishing control of the fate of the relationship, it means accepting the possibility of rejection, and it means admitting failure. Likewise, it's difficult for many of us to forgive because it can often mean relinquishing our sense of justice. But, despite the difficulty, actually saying the words "Will you forgive me?" has proven for many people to be the secret to healing and renewal of relationship.
A thriving marriage requires two spouses who are good at giving and receiving apologies. When you say or do something that hurts your spouse, apologize for your words and actions. When your spouse apologizes, forgive “as God forgave you.” Repeating these steps in marriage is key to a thriving marriage. In Ephesians 4, the apostle Paul spells out clearly what we don’t want building up inside of us: “Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice” (v. 31). “Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you” (v. 32). Knowing we are forgiven by God gives us everything we need to forgive each other in marriage.
Are there other tools that help with your marriage being successful? Absolutely, but the focus for this post is on the significance of apologizing. Believe me it's not easy saying you're sorry. It's even harder apologizing in a way that leads to a rooted, lasting reconciliation (even during small conflicts).
Recent studies have found that apologizing to your spouse and asking for forgiveness are crucial ingredients in a successful marriage. Apologizing to your partner when appropriate will validate their feelings, promote forgiveness and allow you both to move on from mistakes. Rather than pointing fingers in an effort to identify who is at fault, humbling oneself and confessing the words or behavior that have caused your partner pain, harm or hurt can go a long way toward strengthening your marriage. It's not about who is right or wrong if it's a matter of being "right" at the expense of causing pain to your spouse.
I'm going to actually share the 5 Languages of Apology given to us by Dr. Gary Chapman (author of The 5 Love Languages) and Jennifer M. Thomas. Just like the love languages we all have a dominate language of apology, but it helps to know all of the languages of apology because what might be your dominate language could possibly be different for you spouse.
Apology Language #1. Expressing Regret "I'm sorry."
For most people, an apology is not really an apology unless they hear the words "I'm sorry." For many of us, in order to truly forgive, we need to see that the person who has injured us regrets what they have done. This is the most essential of the elements of an apology, but some people feel it more keenly than others.
Apology Language #2. Accepting Responsibility "I was wrong."
We can all find good reasons and explanations for why we behave badly. "She was pushing my buttons"; "I was running late"; "She hurt my feelings." Whatever the reason, it doesn't change the fact that what we did was wrong or hurtful to another person. While this element of an apology is similar to expressing regret, many of us also very much need to hear admission of responsibility. Someone could say "I'm sorry I hurt you," but in many cases it's important for us to accept responsibility for having caused the hurt too. "I was wrong to yell at you," or "I'm sorry I spaced out while navigating; that was my fault," sometimes expresses the most sincerity.
Apology Language #3. Making Restitution "What can I do to make it right?"
As Chapman and Thomas explain in their book, sometimes just expressing regret and taking responsibility for our actions is not good enough. Sometimes we need to make restitution to make an apology sincere. A great example is when a child swipes a toy from another child. We don't just encourage the child to apologize; we also encourage the child to return the toy that was stolen.
But when you hurt a family member, a friend, or spouses feelings, restitution isn't about returning something that was stolen, it's about reassuring the other person that they are loved. Chapman and Thomas explain that the damage of an angry word or a betrayal is that we believe that, if that person truly loved us, they would not have done such a hurtful thing. In this case, Chapman and Thomas suggest we rely on the five love languages to make restitution by assuring the injured party of our love for them.
Apology Language #4. Genuinely Repenting "I'll try not to do that again."
Chapman and Thomas remind us that the word repentance means "to turn around" or "to change one's mind." An apology loses its sincerity if you give your loved one no assurance that you will try not to make the same mistake again. For some of us, and perhaps depending on the severity of the offense, a sincere apology requires that the person verbalize their desire to never hurt you in that way again. We all know that bad habits can be hard to break, but Chapman and Thomas suggest that in addition to telling your loved one you want to change, you make a plan to ensure success.
Apology Language #5. Requesting Forgiveness "Will you please forgive me?"
This final element of an apology can be the hardest, but for many people it is also the most important. Requesting that someone free you from the guilt of your offense is a powerful thing and will ultimately set both people free. Chapman and Thomas explain that asking forgiveness is difficult for the person asking because it means relinquishing control of the fate of the relationship, it means accepting the possibility of rejection, and it means admitting failure. Likewise, it's difficult for many of us to forgive because it can often mean relinquishing our sense of justice. But, despite the difficulty, actually saying the words "Will you forgive me?" has proven for many people to be the secret to healing and renewal of relationship.
A thriving marriage requires two spouses who are good at giving and receiving apologies. When you say or do something that hurts your spouse, apologize for your words and actions. When your spouse apologizes, forgive “as God forgave you.” Repeating these steps in marriage is key to a thriving marriage. In Ephesians 4, the apostle Paul spells out clearly what we don’t want building up inside of us: “Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice” (v. 31). “Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you” (v. 32). Knowing we are forgiven by God gives us everything we need to forgive each other in marriage.
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