Forgiving your Spouse: Developing a Healthy Lasting Marriage

Forgiveness is a choice and quite honestly a choice that not many of us want to make. Why is that?... Because our pride would rather take revenge. Because it's easier to stay angry, bitter or resentful instead of forgive and forget. Because holding on to a "guilt card" we feel gives us the upper hand to pull it out at a later date.

If you're married, you've been there. Your spouse has said or done something that has wounded your heart. It may have been something small, or even a major betrayal. either way, when we've been offended, the last thing we want to do is to let it go. But forgiveness has nothing to do with your spouse and has everything to do with YOU! If our desire is to have a healthy, thriving, lasting marriage, that is exactly what we have to do.

Forgiveness is the release of resentment and anger and it's vitally important for not only your mental health but your physical health as well. "Forgiveness has been shown to elevate mood, enhance optimism, and guard against anger, stress, anxiety and depression." (Psychology Today) Forgiving our spouse means that we are willing to step out from the role of the victim and take charge of our life. While we cannot control our spouse, we can have a positive and healthy influence over them. So when it comes to forgiveness, it all starts with working on you and it's the best thing you can do for yourself.

So here are a few suggestions to keep in mind when your spouse let's you down (and believe us they will let you down, because no one is perfect and that's okay):

• Don't start without your spouse. If you need to speak with your spouse about your offense, don't just corner them and launch in unexpectedly. That is a recipe for disaster! Instead, agree together on a time to discuss the issue. That gives each of you a chance to think about it, which will result in a more productive discussion.

• Handle negative emotions responsibly. When we react emotionally, we often say or do things that we later regret. In many cases, it is best to delay the discussion until you've settled down, gained a proper perspective, and prayed about your attitude. As partners, you need to respect each other's need to "take five." If you or your spouse needs to wait a few moments, or even a day or two to cool down, don't press the issue. This should  not be used as an excuse to avoid the discussion entirely, but it's better to take some time to chill and clear your mind than allow your emotions to take you somewhere that you don't want to go.

• Be clear on your perspective. Give each other uninterrupted time to share, if you are just going back and forth at each other, no one is being heard. When it's your time to talk, try to help your spouse understand your hurt or offense. Help them to see why their actions or words had the impact it did. Likewise, the offending spouse should have the opportunity to explain their words and behavior.

So maybe you're in a situation where your spouse has done or said something to offend you but will not acknowledge the offense or continues to offend you. Like we stated earlier, forgiveness is not about your spouse it is about you. It would be wonderful to be able to tell your spouse they offended you, for them to apologize and for your guys to continue with your happily ever after... But sometimes the same pride that keeps us from forgiving and forgetting is the same pride that keeps us from acknowledging that we have hurt or offended our spouse. So what can you do in a situation like this? Well here are a few more suggestions on forgiving your spouse when they have hurt/offended you:

•  Hold your relationship more dear than the issue. At times we can get so engrossed in our feelings or our rights, that we lose sight of the bigger picture. 1 Corinthians 13:5 (NIV) "...love keeps no record of wrongs." Remember that your relationship is the primary concern. You may have some issues to sort out, but you still love each other.

• Walk in an attitude of forgiveness. If you are going to live with this person for the next 20...30...50 years, you are going to have to forgive one another many times. You can't afford not to forgive. Unforgiveness does not only hurt your spouse, but it hurts you too. In all truth there will be some hurts that you will never forget. What is more important is that we choose to let it go. "He who covers and forgives an offense seeks love, but he who repeats or gossips about a matter separates intimate friends. " (Proverbs 17:9 AMP) Forgiveness entails giving up your right to punish your spouse- whether through blunt retaliation or allowing bitterness to fester. Begin to make a conscious decision that the next time your spouse offends you that you will forgive them. Then when it happens, you will remember that you've already made a decision to forgive them.

• Forgive as Christ forgave you. "Bearing with one another, and forgiving one another, if anyone has a complaint against another; even as Christ forgave you, so you also must do." (Colossians 3:13 NKJV) And how does the Lord forgive us? Fully. Unconditionally. Willingly. Over and over again. This kind of forgiving is supernatural; meaning it is more than we can do on our own. Especially if your spouse has offended you in a major way, you may need to ask God for the ability to let go of the hurt and forgive them from your heart. But as you trust God to give you His strength to love, He will give you that same strength to forgive

Forgiveness is imperative for any marriage to thrive. But if that forgiveness is conditional, it is not framed in the love of God. Jesus Christ died for our sins and asked His Father to forgive us. He didn't wait to give us His gift of mercy and grace, until we got our act together or came humbly to Him with gifts and chocolates and flowers. Forgiveness is probably one the greatest gifts you can give your spouse, but it is also the greatest gift you can give yourself.