Not today satan: Keeping your marriage whole and keeping the ex out of it

Our hearts have been burdened at the idea of many women and men who have or might be contemplating terminating their marriage because they can no longer deal with or have the desire to deal with a toxic/troubling ex-spouse. This is a topic that we hear a lot about, and can sometimes accompany blended families. So hopefully something we share today will encourage someone to not give up on love or happiness because of someone else's unhappiness.

It may not seem like it now, but if you remain your marriage will be stronger, healthier, and established on what really matters. As Christians, our first line of defense is always PRAYER, nonetheless if you find yourself or your marriage challenged by the ex here are some practical and useful ways to prevent him/her from having so much power over your life/marriage.

• They are not the boss of your home: They do not get to call the shots for your family/household. Even if they have not adjusted their vision to include you. The truth of the matter is, as the new/current spouse you're a very present reality. Because you are a part of your spouse and stepchildren's family, then you both call the shots in your home. If you allow the ex to dictate what happens in your home, then you're letting them manipulate their way into your relationship. As a couple, you're in charge of your household and you must stand in that power.
• Close the door or no win situations: Some situations are impossible, by impossible we mean that no matter what you do or say there is no appeasing the other party. Those situations where there is no logical, rational thinking or conclusion. There is nothing you can do to change those outcomes sometimes because it absolutely has nothing to do with you and everything to with them. Look! When you recognize that there is little to no chance for resolution just SHUT IT DOWN by disengaging. Don't validate any of their absurd accusations by responding to them. Instead, turn your attention elsewhere like your spouse or your marriage for example.
  
• Acknowledge the reality of your circumstances: There is absolutely no need to beat yourself up over the fact that you're a good peaceable person so you can't understand why your spouse's ex is so mean and negative. But why do yourself the disservice of thinking this relationship should be as simple as others. This is not like having a toxic friend you can just dissociate from. You didn't get this person by choice, you are faced with them because of the choices made by the person you love. Obsessing over the unfairness of it all just gives the ex more power. The truth is you need to give yourself a break and acknowledge that this will probably be the most challenging dynamics you will ever face. We celebrate you if you're still standing. Take solace in the idea that this will not last forever.
• Take responsibility for letting them in: But I didn't... Stop right there! If the ex is causing conflict between you and your spouse, it's because one of you has let them in. Come on and get real, regardless of what they're doing or saying it can only cause conflict if you choose to react to them by turning on each other instead of supporting one another. If your spouse allows their ex to do things that are clearly disrespectful of threatening to you or you engage in their foolishness as well, or get upset when your spouse makes a decision you don't agree with. Then you're giving that ex-spouse the power they wouldn't otherwise have. Seriously, it's up to you and your spouse to keep your marriage intact and keep the ex in their place... on the outside of your marriage.

Some other little freebies we'd like to share to hopefully minimize the impact of the ex-spouse in your marriage and with your peace of mind:

    - If you have to discuss the ex (which is hopefully few and far between) then set aside a fixed amount of time to do this and once that time is up, put them away and go about your business. A suggestion: 30 minutes on one day of the week is enough time to give to that. It might sound silly but it will keep peace in your home and negativity out.

    - Create boundaries for talking points. This is "essential/important" if you or your spouse must co-parent with the ex. Since the only thing in common between you and your ex-spouse or your spouse and their ex is probably minor children, then that should be the only focus in conversation. If/when they try to veer off into the personal, keep it about the child/ren. If they continue, then just don't engage and end the conversation.

    - Retrain your brain. Don't think about, stress about or occupy space in your mind with things they've done or said. Two things we know: hurt people, hurt people and you shouldn't allow people to bring you into their storms. Focus on the good and positive things in your life and your marriage.

    - You can't fix whatever is going on with them. It doesn't matter if you are correct in your assumptions and know the perfect thing(s) to say. Just leave it alone and give it to God.

    - Whenever you find yourself getting frustrated or irritated about them, then use that energy to do something nice for your spouse. One of the most important things is cultivating a stronger relationship with your honey, not focusing on things that steal your happiness.

    - Find humor when you can. We are not saying that dealing with a toxic/troublesome ex or step-family drama is funny. But laughter is good for the soul and we're sure your marriage is important to you, so don't take everything so personal. Proverbs 17:22 states "A cheerful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones."

Can we keep it real with you? In order for your marriage to survive the difficulties of someone personally connected to your family, you and your spouse must support each other and be kind and forgiving when indiscretions are made. Listen to and love each other. You must maximize the strength of your marriage and minimize the ex's effect on you. Your family is counting on you.

When dealing with a difficult or toxic ex-spouse, be reminded and think on Romans 12:18. "If it is possible, as much as depends on you, live peaceably with all men." (NKJV) Truth is that although we should do everything possible to be at peace with others, it will not always come, because it also depends on others' attitudes and responses. That's when you say "not today satan!" Our joy, peace, happiness, calm and love can only be taken away if we allow it. So be encouraged to hang in there and don't miss out on your blessing because of someone else's behavior. When you know you've done all you can to be peaceable, there's nothing left to do. The ball is in their court now and it's no longer your problem or weight to carry.

We pray you've been blessed by this post and please feel free to comment below or reach out via email. If you would like prayer because you're experiencing a situation like this one. You can always send a prayer request and we will make sure to keep you in our prayers.