Toxic Family and Friends. How to Protect Your Marriage
Just by reading the title of this post, how many of us can think of a few family members or friends that we could say possibly fit into the category of being "toxic?" At times we have probably (if we are honest with ourselves) minimized inappropriate comments, turned the other cheek on inappropriate behavior, and have made excuses for constant gossip or disrespect. Why...? because "they're family" "that's my friend" or "that's just the way they are." But your marriage is and should always be your number one priority.
When we use the word "toxic" we are not meaning that the whole person is toxic, rather that their behavior/words are toxic or it could be that your relationship with them is toxic. Many toxic people will use you to make themselves feel better and most likely are unaware of how to love and treat others. In a recent interview (Langslet 2018) Nancy Irwin, Psy.D described a toxic person as anyone who is abusive, unsupportive, or unhealthy emotionally-- someone who basically brings you down more than up. Toxic people are draining and can leave you emotionally, physically. and spiritually wiped out. So how do you protect your marriage? By setting boundaries with these toxic family members and friends.
As a couple you establish boundaries to protect the integrity of your marriage. Marriage is an exclusive club, a two-person agreement leaving out all other parties. Most wedding vows include the phrase "forsaking all others." Boundaries in marriage are meant to create a "safe place" for one's soul/heart; third parties can become disruptive to this safety. You must present a united front of established boundaries to those around you... both spoken and unspoken.
"The prudent see danger and take refuge, but the simple keep going and pay the penalty." (Prov 22:3 NIV) The prudent recognize the dangerous threats from toxic people to their marriage and hide/protect themselves behind boundaries of wisdom. The stronger and more connected you become, the less of an impact these toxic family and friends will have on your marriage. Remember when you said "I do," the two became one and although you and your spouse are two individuals, as stated before, you must present a united front to others around you. When you got married you started your own family, and that's where your priority and loyalty needs to be. No more excusing bad behavior, minimizing disrespect or inappropriate comments. Healthy boundaries must be in place to protect your marriage.
Married love requires a great deal of safety for intimacy to grow. Our marriage brings out the most vulnerable, fragile parts of who we are, and these vulnerable parts need a warm, grace-filled and secure environment to grow. If a third party threatens this, those fragile parts cannot be safe enough to emerge, connect and develop. Love, respect and honor your marriage and your spouse enough to make your marriage a priority. To keep toxic family and friends out of your union. Yes, it might be painful to admit that certain family members and friends are unhealthy, but the sooner you notice the toxic behavior, the quicker you can create boundaries and continue focusing on your marriage.
Whether you are newly married or have been married for years. You made a vow to continuously make your marriage a priority. Now is the time to set healthy boundaries with toxic people and protect the vows you made to one another. As you limit the negative influences in your marriage, you'll find that your love has more room to grow.
When we use the word "toxic" we are not meaning that the whole person is toxic, rather that their behavior/words are toxic or it could be that your relationship with them is toxic. Many toxic people will use you to make themselves feel better and most likely are unaware of how to love and treat others. In a recent interview (Langslet 2018) Nancy Irwin, Psy.D described a toxic person as anyone who is abusive, unsupportive, or unhealthy emotionally-- someone who basically brings you down more than up. Toxic people are draining and can leave you emotionally, physically. and spiritually wiped out. So how do you protect your marriage? By setting boundaries with these toxic family members and friends.
As a couple you establish boundaries to protect the integrity of your marriage. Marriage is an exclusive club, a two-person agreement leaving out all other parties. Most wedding vows include the phrase "forsaking all others." Boundaries in marriage are meant to create a "safe place" for one's soul/heart; third parties can become disruptive to this safety. You must present a united front of established boundaries to those around you... both spoken and unspoken.
"The prudent see danger and take refuge, but the simple keep going and pay the penalty." (Prov 22:3 NIV) The prudent recognize the dangerous threats from toxic people to their marriage and hide/protect themselves behind boundaries of wisdom. The stronger and more connected you become, the less of an impact these toxic family and friends will have on your marriage. Remember when you said "I do," the two became one and although you and your spouse are two individuals, as stated before, you must present a united front to others around you. When you got married you started your own family, and that's where your priority and loyalty needs to be. No more excusing bad behavior, minimizing disrespect or inappropriate comments. Healthy boundaries must be in place to protect your marriage.
Married love requires a great deal of safety for intimacy to grow. Our marriage brings out the most vulnerable, fragile parts of who we are, and these vulnerable parts need a warm, grace-filled and secure environment to grow. If a third party threatens this, those fragile parts cannot be safe enough to emerge, connect and develop. Love, respect and honor your marriage and your spouse enough to make your marriage a priority. To keep toxic family and friends out of your union. Yes, it might be painful to admit that certain family members and friends are unhealthy, but the sooner you notice the toxic behavior, the quicker you can create boundaries and continue focusing on your marriage.
Whether you are newly married or have been married for years. You made a vow to continuously make your marriage a priority. Now is the time to set healthy boundaries with toxic people and protect the vows you made to one another. As you limit the negative influences in your marriage, you'll find that your love has more room to grow.
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